Today, you are a member of … Cnut My King


You know why monarchy is not a fave in terms of ruling structures, Members? Because, well, look at these clowns. Dressed up in overwrought and confused military regalia or wearing large head gear much to heavy for their atrophied necks, or sporting capes ‘n shit when they are certainly not playas – surely they want to be read as “stately” but really, it just looks garish. In addition, monarchies tend to end in one of three ways: assassination, exile, or a slow deterioration into the closed bubble of batshit crazy that would make Michael Jackson’s last days look like a Wittgenstein treatise. Not the most stable strategy. Last, monarchs, even when they are considered “benevolent,” rely on fabricating out of varied and numerous, amazingly wrinkly sapien brains, a mob of “subjects,” who by definition think they are lesser than, and then crowd surfing said homogenized mass for their authority. And let’s face it – “subjects” tend not to get it right more than half the time, as was the case of King Cnut, ruler of the North Sea Empire, who, at least if wikipedia is to be believed, was coronated today in 1017. King Cnut is often invoked colloquially as an example of delusional hubris for claiming to a bunch of oily courtiers that he could hold back the tides, when, according to Henry Huntington, he was actually trying to illustrate his own lack of power over such forces. So this week, Members, if you feel the pointy jab of subjecthood proliferating over your grey matter, tell whatever figurehead wanting leviathan status that subjects are so 18th century and your chaosmos suggest they get a stylist.

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