Today, you are a member of… Even-Toed Ungulates

Talk about a bad rap, members. Christians everywhere do their best to equate cloven hoofed-glory as sum and substance of Satan while Matthew Barney made the noble Artiodactylae look like jack-offs in Cremaster IV. And, sure, Odd-Toed Ungulates have a certain charm, but let’s face it: the cloven-hoof gets you up a mountain faster. So if some Letterman comes along this week and tries to label you and your clade either evil or inane, pull a Crispin Glover and point out that these leg nadirs are strong and can kick. And if the back-off quotient after that is still not to your liking, conjure an attitude befitting the ETU’s long lost cetaceous kin, and whale on them.

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