Today, you are a member of… Mass

Despite the disturbing trend in ballooning American pant sizes, mass is most definitely an advantage. And this week, it’s best to throw that shit around, let it land where it will and, when pressed for explanation, simply belt out the names of all previous supercontinents, as if they were giant, protective older sisters: Vaalbara, Kenorland, Nuna, Pangea. And yes, what you get with such a mantra is no Gort and people won’t know what you are talking about but the upswing is at least they’ll get the hell out of your way.

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