Today, you are a member of… Memo to Members: Thirteen Things to Be Afraid of on Friday the 13th

ThirteenYes, yes, the growing deficit, Death, Snakes on a Plane, North Korea – all very valid phobia sources.  But, dear members, there is much more to Friday the 13th than that.  Here’s a list of seldom-mulled terrors:

• Air Conditioners.  Now that fall is here, no one in paying them any mind. But look up – there they are, stuffed precariously into all those windows, plotting at ways to be useful again.  When they realize you want to winterize them, they may decide to jump.
• Aerosmith.  Or any other haggy male band from the 70s that are currently doing a zombified impersonation of their former selves.  Take your pick: Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, The Eagles – for them EVERY day is Halloween.
• Alopecia Universalis – the loss of all body hair.  What would all those waxers do for income? Plus, imagine the clean-up.
• High Fructose Corn Syrup.  It’s in, like, EVERYTHING.  Do we really need Fructose and Glucose in salteens?
• Plastic Surgery.  It’s not just for noseless syphilis victims or war injuries anymore.  Now your 12 year-old daughter can look like a blow-up doll and Grandma’s face can be shellaced into a pleasing mask of perpetual surprise.
• Any attempt by the Hollywood hack mill at remaking BULLITT.  Zombie Steve McQueen is not to be trifled with.
• My Bling Bling Barbie.  Don’t let all that faux fool you.  That bitch is crazy.
• The tremendous lack of Dave Chapelle in our lives. Period.
• Text Messaging.  Can you imagine the appendages people will use after the inevitable thumb sprain epidemic?
• This Guy.  Only because you’ll find yourself agreeing with him.
• Don Rickles lives.  And has a terrible website.
• Clowns.  It’s an old stand-by that Ed Gein successfully drilled into a rule.
• Pants-off Dance-off. Because you can’t look away.

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