Today, you are a member of… Sweepstakes

Stand by for an important announcement, Members. The nation’s sweeping skills are in a dire state of decline. It seems cleaning up after oneself can only be done with noisy, leaf-blowing combustible engines or clueless, laissez faire hosing. And between the Wizard of Oz and David Foster Wallace, sweeping needs a major rebranding. So here it is Members: 5 reasons why you should spend a week whisking floor detritus into little stacks powered only by your mortal coil. 1. The faint, repeating shushing sound of a broom can calm the most agitated of brains better than any Xanax; 2. Brooms make great imaginary microphones, so you can practice your Maria Callas imitation; 3. In case of sneak attack, you are armed; 4. How else is a little bit of self-made dignity attained so quickly? 5. The dust piles, like animal entrails in ancient Egypt, have a certain oracular quality worth noting.

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