Today, you are a member of… The Fearless Progressive Polymorphic

Since Dinesh D’Souza, in his new book “The Enemy at Home,” disowns that part of him that wants to be the dirty hippy dancing to rap songs at a gay wedding, we have no choice, members, but remind him as to just what the hell is so great about pro-military lesbian mothers, drunken heiress snatch sightings, and arts funding for Matthew Barney. Such a reminder is easy enough to accomplish. It only takes seven letters, a mere solitary word. Say it out loud: Ganesha.

Ganesha, as many members (and even Mr. D’Sousa) know is the embodiment of wisdom and good fortune in many Hindu religious myths. For you ignorant secularites, God bless you, Ganesha is the one with the head of an elephant and a ton of arms. Fashioned out of tumeric by his mother to guard her house whilst she bathed, Ganesha garnered Shiva’s hellfire in a scuffle over the admittance policy–a fight which got his head tore clean off and flung into the great Elsewhere. Moms, full of her own piss and vinegar, told Shiva to find that head. He couldn’t, so, as suggested by Brahma, he plunked the head of a dying, north-lying elephant onto the boy’s shoulders and, voilá, Ganesha was back, unitimidated by angry religious bastions, despite the run-in.

Just as Jackson Pollack might have benefited from a vagina, Mr. D’Sousa would be equally at an advantage to indulge in a little more Ganesha and a lot less fear. Because whatever else crunkin’ pot smokers, vegan dominatrices, and green-party abortionists may be, they are damn fearless when it comes to terrorist anger. Come Osama bin Laden or highwater, they gonna get down and represent. No denying it Dinesh, that Grand-Theft Auto-loving theater major inside you is a member, dammit. Don’t you forget it. Because even neo-cons deserve constituency. And what’s more red-blooded American than that?

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